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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Inner View

In the midst of economic woes, I have a personal and vested interest in utilizing my creative gifts to earn a living. Recently, I had an opportunity that looked promising towards such an end. Within a 24 hour window, I had: 1. An email in my inbox asking me to contact the interested company as soon as possible regarding an interview, 2. The phone interview, 3. The physical interview, 4. The job offer, and most importantly of all 5. An opportunity to trust in Grace.

My attitude initially was very poor. I did not expect to be offered employment, and as a matter of fact, I had actually planned on such a contingency, so as not to be disappointed. Thus far, I had chosen to disregard the Savior's provision and lovingkindness in favor of another attempt at control. Having not interviewed for several years, my skills were quite rusty. Thankfully, the hiring manager was not overly seasoned, and God brought me favor during the interview process. In what seemed like a dizzying blur, the interview was concluded and I was seated at a conference table with the business owners. In the midst of aural whiplash, I was able to ascertain that I was being offered the job. Then, the emotional roller coaster began a quick descent.

The amount being offered was junior level and not what I considered ideal for my skill set and experience. But on the other hand, I have been without steady work for nine months, and the presence of a consistent paycheck was quite enticing. My mind jumped immediately to the, "What if...?" questions, and I neglected the fine print in the stipulations of the employment offer. Heart racing, palms sweating, I gave a "Let me think about it" reply, belying my physiological excitement.

The drive home was a whirlwind of uncertainty and mixed feelings. I waffled between agony and ecstasy, wondering what God was up to. After phoning several friends and colleagues, I was able to begin to pick apart the situation and examine the details. In an escalation of emotion and tension, I began a short volley with the business owners in a last ditch effort to tip the scales in my direction to make the job "fit" my "needs". In just a matter of hours, my attitude had gone from skeptic to frantic, as I lost touch with the love of my Lord. I made one final awkward attempt to negotiate in my favor and was snapped at by my contact at the business; further souring the already poor impression I had developed.

I couldn't believe it. I was offered a job I had decided I wouldn't get, and now it was being taken away on terms that I didn't consent to. In retrospect, the thread of control glares so obviously from the tapestry of events. At the time, it couldn't have felt more confusing, however. My heart felt jumbled and my head was reeling. It was as if my heart was the candidate being interviewed. I laid out my portfolio of dependency for the Father to see. It took 24 hours and a lot of deliberation, but once again, my community reminded me of what Grace looks like: provision. A new opportunity to trust: 1. God is in control, 2. God is absolutely crazy about me, and 3. God has custom tailored my needs so that only He can meet them.

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